artsy fartsy

wokay, bedroom actually looks good now.
the malay dude did a pretty good job,
feel kinda bad for being mean about/to him just now.
apparently he's indonesian
but he works here with his family.
he even showed pictures of his wife and son
to my mum and kak on his mobile phone :P
yeah, feel damn bad now.
really really shudn't be so prejudiced
to a certain race as a whole.
wherever u are, indon dude, i'm sorry!

today was pretty great actually,
before i came home and got the nasty shock.
ms. bie drafted a letter for me and let me read it;
i think it's the most sincere praise
i've ever received in my whole life
from any teacher...
except maybe for V but
he doesn't really praise
to begin with anyway.

she said so many nice things about me
which i nvr knew or just cudnt really agree with.
like she said i was a quiet leader,
and i was really sensitive toward other ppl..
she even talked to me about what she thought.
like how i was "a great addition to this class",
and i had really good skills and stuff..
how my resume was very impressive
and my writing too...
think i seriously received
more praise than i deserved.
made me damn happy albeit embarrassed la :)
it's wonderful when ppl believe in you,
it puts the whole world into the palm of your hands.
it feels that good.

she also recommended me to try
for another couple of summer programs,
but this time at US art schools
(rhode island school of design, pratt, and parsons)
it's pretty amazing the breadth of courses
they offer in the US...
they have comic art, product design,
jewelry making, architecture, animation,
illustration, advanced drawing and painting,
film, photography and so many other
incredibly fascinating majors.
of course the 1st thing that caught my beady eye
was comic art and animation la :P
but i think reality's pretty much beaten
those dreams out of me.
maybe one day when i'm well-established
and have enough time, maybe.

there're so many things out there
i want to know!
how can they force anyone into
choosing sth specific for a career?!
how dare they? why should they?!
can't I learn just for fun??

do you know, for example,
the difference between costume jewelry
and sterling silver and stainless steel?
don't you want to know?
i do, i want to know everything about it..
i want to know how they design toys and products,
i want to know how a publishing company works,
i want to know how a library works,
i want to know how the UN works,
and how empires like Nike, Disney and Mac are created...

aaaah...
how can you fit all the things u want to know
into just one lifetime?
choices, choices, choices...
better stop here, i'm gettin out of control :P

bitchfit

my room's a TOTAL mess atm,
and so's my computer room.
my bed and tables and are shrouded
with pieces of boards, curtains and papers
and all sorts of crap,
so much so that you can barely make out
what bit of furniture it's sposed to be.
it's a damn huge turn-off to walk upstairs
still groggy from a 1.5hr bus journey
expectin to see ur beautiful warm bed
and nice clean study-table,
but seeing all of it covered with rubbish instead.
so now i've nowhere else to go
but my dad's bedroom.

it's stupid how a house this size
can have so little environment
for me to hide away or study.
4 out of 7 ppl in my entire household
sleep in my bedroom at night,
and before i persuaded mum
to buy a nice new study table
i had to shove the keyboard behind
my monitor before i had any space
at the table at all to do my schoolwork.

i'm 19 this yr and i have no fuckin privacy!!!

this malay dude's paintin
the walls in my bedroom..
he better do it and do it fast.

this sunday

valentine's day is coming,
and project omg jus cudnt
let the opportunity go :P
this coming sunday night,
lose the boy/girlfriend
and come for indie gig

Valentine Vehemence :
A Night of Un-Romantic Spoken Word

4th February, Sunday
8.00pm
RM5 (inclusive of drinks and snacks)
The Dram Projects, BG-8 Happy Mansion,
Section 17/13, Petaling Jaya

according to pat, it will be
"a night of readings (poetry and written works)
with a tinge of music performances
in the spirit of (anti) Valentine's Day.
...a cosy night of rhyme-throwing,
guitar-strumming and stuff."

do check their blog for the map,
and hopefully i'll see you there :)

readin the fountainhead is like
being jolted harshly awake,
like being shoved off turquoise tiles
into the deep end of the freezing ocean.
i've really, really needed this...
do u ever rmbr a time, when you wanted sth
so bad it left a violent, physical ache
in your chest?
when wanting it hurt you so much
it made you feel like tearing away
from everything else you know
just so that you can keep working
on the only thing you will ever want?

i recalled so much of it last nite
that suddenly very little else mattered nemore.
what frightens me now is that i may
be giving up the only thing
that has ever made me feel that way
for sth more practical that
i might not come to love.

the truth is that i'm
not willing to take the risk.
i'm so afraid that if i do what i really want,
if i go head and heels over
such single-minded pursuit..
i might nvr be able to pick myself up
after falling down.
i just.. can't.. devote myself
so wholeheartedly to sth that
the possibility of failure might kill me.

big fucken coward, krys.

{untitled}

for wiyo :)

The Trap of Hope

fly, little dove
be brave and try
reach for the open heavens
go bask in its light

push off, little dove
don’t stop to cry
the horizon might vanish
so hurry and climb

soar, little dove
do not look down
stop watching your friends
they can wait forever

stopping, little dove?
but it is not very high
the eye of heaven wavers
you will lose your sight

move on, little dove
you are small but strong
these splatters of rain
brave them as tears
a temporal plight

keep going, little dove
do not stop for rest
flee through the clouds
breathe deep and climb

careful, little dove
your tears weigh you down
wake up to some sense
regain your foresight

what now, little dove?
you have come this far
will you fall now
will you not fight

goodbye then, little dove
you flit and you tried
the heavens were too far
you were not worthy the flight

bitch of a week

microscopic shards of fiber-glass
are sticking into my right arm...
it hurts like an itch, only worse
cos it feels like a hundred tiny needles
are pricking you all at once.

helped dad out with his fish tanks,
spent more than half the afternoon
listening to him talk about his fish,
his efforts, our "pathetic" situation
and how the whole recirculation system works
and blablablablabla for an entire hr
before it all boiled down to
he needed/wanted us to help him
glue a PVC filter to his tanks.

and we ended up watching him
do most of the work anyway.
sometimes he frustrates me so much
i feel like stabbing sth..

week was pretty hectic,
barely had time to stop and breathe.
was rushing TASP essays, hw
and improv night stuff that i was so busy
miyo said she hadn't talked to me for 2 nights.

kept thinkin that the week would end
beautifully cos TASP apps
and improv wud be over,
so i cud untense and relax..
but it didnt la.

everything came bubbling and boiling down
like hot, suffocating lava
to the bottom of the last few hours of the day,
after the show on friday nite.

after the winners had been announced
and every1 was clamoring onto the stage
laughing and screaming,
my brain just went null
with sudden, crystal-clear serendipity.

in a flash, i rmbr-ed how i hadnt
submitted TASP yet and how hopeless
resolving my essay was going to be;
realized that i'd forgotten to let mum
noe that i was stayin back in school;
realized that i hadn't told andre
i cudnt meet him to collect my cheque;
realized that i hadn't any credit left in my fon
and hadn't any money left in my wallet..
then peering into the crowd,
realized that cow hadn't made it
for the show...

i felt so bitter bcos i'd worked
so hard the whole week
yet so many things still hadn't worked out
and i still hadn't managed to
get everythin that needed to be done, done.

when he did appear
i was so numb with tension
that it all welled up in a short burst of tears.
it felt like that dream,
when i cudnt get anything right..

feelin better now;
essay still didnt work out, but
TASP's been submitted..
outing yday didn't work out either,
but i got some time with cow.

still got a ton left to do,
but lackin the motivation to do any of it..
ironically, readin the fountainhead instead haha.

no worries la,
all will be well tmrw.

grumble

i feel like an awful cheat.
submitting an essay i wrote for IB orals
as one of the essays i have to write for TASP.
sigh, the measures stress can drive you to...
if i had known about the scholarship
earlier in advance, i wudn't be so hard pressed
for time right now :(
i really would have written a decent essay.
oh well, 2 essays down, 1 more to go...

realized also that oxbridge wants
my form 5 report card, wtf?
can forget applying ledi,
only (AGAIN) i've already asked
ms bieberich to write a letter...
stupid la, can't believe my stupid past
still matters at a time like this...

cowardly dreams

reading a myriad of prose and poetry
submitted to prism (our literary school mag) this yr.
there's enough good stuff in here
to turn me green with envy, and
enough crap stuff to make me cringe.

but these ppl have serious guts.
imagine slaving over a piece of writing
for hours on end, repeating the lines aloud
and nitpicking with words until it seems perfect...
then sending it off to indifferent strangers
who go through the same process of evaluation
in a matter of minutes,
maybe seconds.
then scribble a big Y, N or M
over the top of your carefully crafted baby.

it's like exposing your damn soul
and asking for one big condemnation.

i'd nvr have the guts to write poetry.
i mean, i don't even know if i can.
u noe how when you were young
and watched cartoons and believed in magic,
you secretly wished you could find a secret,
the secret to fly?
maybe through some awkward
assemblage that can be strapped to
your shoulders, that can flap its wing
and lift you off the ground..
or through a mixture of crystalline potions
and a blessing from some sweet fairy?

yeah, i wish i could write poetry.

save me

List of Things To Do:
1. Write TASP essays X3
2. Write IASAS Art essay
3. Figure out World Lit Topics X2
4. TOK Journal
5. Prepare Econ for Tues
6. Mandarin Essay for Tues
7. Math Trig. Paper
8. Read and select prose/poetry for Prism

i'm so stressed out over writing
the application essays for TASP.
usually an essay (a decent one anyway)
takes me about 5 hrs to write, but if we're
looking at what's left of this weekend per se,
i only have... 27 hours left.

i can't do this! i still need to eat, sleep,
de-stress myself and finish all my other hw
before school on tuesday!

just kill me now la...
shud have finished off half the bulk
yday and the day before,
but had to meet up with caleen
and go out with cow,
then hang out with melissa today.
all of which i promised them last week,
before this fuckload of work came
crashing down around my ears...

if i hadn't already bugged V to write
me that letter, and paid rupa RM68 for DHL...
*grumble*

can't wait for next week to be over.

some kinda life

god i'm so tired today..
all of a sudden i've so many things to do,
n my grades for 2nd sem are totally screwin up..
doesn't help my waning morale *whine*

applying for this summer program called TASP.
(google it urself, lazy to search n link hehe.)
heard about it by overhearing a conversation
between jia hui and venables.
it sounds great la, but after writing my resume
i think my chances are pretty shit.
unless they get totally blown away
by my 1st sem grades and v writes me
a killer recommendation,
i'm just gonna waste RM65 on express mail.

andre still hasn't paid us our salaries,
which are sposedly due by tmrw.
this means that i'm gonna have to fork out
RM700 in order to pay for my new mp3 player..
paid a deposit of RM50 for the meizu
in December, said that i'd pay for the rest
by Jan 20th since i'd have my salary then.
ah, the folly of spending money you don't have!

looked up prospective universities yday
for architecture. created quite a formidable list, heh..
i must be slightly delusional or sth.
out of the 5 on my list, 4 are ivy league unis..
i guess its because i don't know the bad unis
from the ok unis, so it's much easier to stick to
the really really good unis hehe.
and there's all that prestige that comes with it..

let's hope i'm not kiddin myself, yea?

why climb?

so annoyed!!
somehow mozilla reinstalled itself from
scratch or sth, so all my bookmarks have disappeared.
what's worse is that i can't find
one of my most crucially important links:
this superbly comprehensive tourist webguide
to the Maldives, complete with price quotations,
priceless resort details, customer reviews
and online bookings...

it's one of those heartachy "one day" dreams.
i'm WAITING, and WAITING for the day
i save or make enough money to escape to
the paradise of gorgeous beaches and seas..
so i can go swimming with dolphins
and whale-watching wif squishy.
and now the damn site seems to have disappeared
completely from the worldwideweb (grr).

not that there aren't similiar webguides,
but i was really attached to that one :(
sigh, hope it turns up eventually la.

took on wall no.3 today :)
but wudn't have made it w/o jana and milo's help, and
whoever else it was who kept yelling
encouragements up to me hehe.
damn wall had a gaping bald spot,
and several holds were so smooth and tiny
that my little fingers cudn't grasp them
w/o the constant fear of slipping.
after a while they grew numb from supporting
my weight 10ft above the ground,
cos i cudn't find a good hold to move on to.

it was pretty embarrasing actually,
at 1 point my arms and fingers were so weak and numb
i cud only sit hanging on my harness, gasping for dear life.
i wud've given up SO MANY times, but jana
wudn't let milo (my dear dear belayer) let me fall.
she just kept pushing and forcing me up the wall,
telling me which holds to reach for,
which leg to push up from,
and NO you can't stop KEEP GOING!
really really really grateful for wut she did,
now that i actually did manage to reach the top :)

it felt so goooooood in the end,
lunging out and smacking the pulley
attached at the top of the damn wall.
lol, and it turned out that everyone was watching
during my painful progression up the vertical horizon.
when i finally whacked the pulley every1 cheered for me :P
damn sweet la these ppl..

on a more serious note.
checked iskl's website today to look for
the guide on TOK journaling,
but cudn't find it
(lambie must've mistaken or sth).

found instead that iskl's already posted an
ad for their annual IB scholarships this year.
this time though, they provided waay more info...
like how if you don't have a minimum of an A2 for
each subject you took during SPM,
you're not even eligible to apply O_o

immediately thought of my shameful C6
in Mandarin and shuddered at the close shave.
it reminded me of how i'm not supposed to be here
right now, of how i didn't quite make the cut
for my scholarship in the 1st place.
ish! it still makes me cringe.

it explains why i try so hard now, really.
why i freak out over finishing my hw perfectly
and worry about not joining enough activities
and fret that i might not end up valedictorian nx yr or sth.
i really really need this confirmation,
this absolute final conviction, that i deserve
being wherever i am right now..
that i'm worth wtv the ones lined up before me
are worth, or hopefully more.

my iskl classmates think i'm a nerd or sth.
i'm NOT a goody-goody nerd, ok?
i just really need to absolve this.. inferiority complex.

dazed

the time is 10pm, and i just woke up.
pretty mild word-choice
considering how i fought myself back to reality..
had my first nightmare in months,
only when it was all happening
i hadn't the good sense to realise
it was a nightmare and wake up.

i seldom get vivid dreams, so when i do,
i usually end up not being able to wake up
either because i want to know what happens next,
or bcos i don't know how much of it is fabricated..

george came over to my place,
apparently to watch some dvd
bcos i'd invited him sometime earlier
then forgotten all about it.
it didn't even look like my place,
it was huge and earthy looking
with high ceilings and a smooth cave floor.
there were flower girls strolling all over the place
and there was a dark, edgy gym like 1u's Celebrity Fitness
occupying most of upstairs..
even mum and ayi looked different.

i didn't have the dvd nor the dvd player,
felt so dumb bcos he'd come over and waited for nothing..
hours and hours later, it was already dark
and still, no dvd no dvd player.
it was as if i cudnt get anything done..
i rmbr walking up and down the house
looking for ppl who cud help me by looking for them,
or some1 who cud drive us out since i cudnt drive..
george was already impatient and wondering wtf he was doin
still waiting, but he was still there and hadn't left.

finally, liz appears like a savior:
the only one who cud get anything done.
she drove both of us out in search of a dvd player and the dvd,
and they found a place where we could use the dvd player.
i didnt say anything, cudnt get anything right,
and didn't get anything done.
and right before we went into the place to start the dvd at last,
i seemed to have misplaced my shoes.
liz and george were still waiting while i looked for them,
and it was like they were waiting out of tolerance
for this obvious retard...

i ran and ran in and out of the corridors,
checked all the shelves and all the rooms,
under every table and every chair...
but i nvr found my shoes,
nvr even rmbr-ed where i'd left them...
it was a hopeless situation and yet i wudn't STOP
i wudn't i just really wanted to find those shoes
so i cud go back to show them that i got sth right...
considerin the amount of running i did tho,
i must've made them wait forever.

ugh.
it was such a horrible dream somehow.
i felt like i was stuck in some absurdist play
with me being the only absurdist character,
meaninglessly running around in circles
and nvr getting anything done..
with liz and george thinking i'm this huge cripple.
it was so hard fighting back to reality,
cos somehow i didn't want to believe that
i honestly cudnt get anything right...

i woke up, having nvr gone back to look for them.
nvr having found my shoes.

:(

{untitled}

been extraordinarily prone to irritation lately,
and particularly with mum.
whenever we start talking about something,
we start losing our tempers at each other
simply because we don't like each other's tone,
or because one of us don't agree bout sth,
and we start arguing and gettin
really (temporarily) pissed at each other.

ok, maybe the arguing one is me.
but it's kinda hard to be civil when
she's saying things i don't like hearing...
like how theatre's a waste of time and i should quit.

haih, need to keep my attitude in check.

went to a surprise birthday dinner
organized for lim yong yday at 1u's TGIF.
it felt really good gettin to meet
the old gang all over again..
somehow, even tho we grew apart
during those later yrs in CHS,
it wasn't so hard getting along :)
i mean, it didn't feel so different
from the times when we
were still really close.

it makes me wonder a lil
about how/why we grew apart in the 1st place..
probably we didn't make so much
of an effort to stay tight la.
we all made new friends,
found new interests, diff outlooks on life..
i guess it's not easy staying true to all
your seperate travels down diff roads.

mmmmm...
feeling kinda pensive right now...
all those could have been's...

liz got a lil mad at me
cos i said some stuff she didn't want to hear.
i said sorry about 20 times,
but i'm not sure how much i meant it...

i mean,
in the first place,
i nvr knew she was embarrassed bout
that-which-she-did in the last 5 yrs.
moreover, she'd nvr ever indicated
it was a secret or anything.

you don't get embarrassed about
sth you don't regret.
and as far as i know,
she's nvr regretted any of it.
so why la so embarrassed?
and it wasn't a big deal to begin with...

i guess i shudn't have told victoria,
but i wasn't keeping my voice down
cos it wasn't a secret to begin with...
maybe it's sposed to be now, i don't know.

n maybe i shudn't have continued
telling andrew the rest,
but he was asking and asking
and i figured that he had enuff right
to ask, as her bf and all.
n taking into account
the dubious choices made out of her naivety...
i thought it was kinda necessary he knew la.

wtv wtv.
she's not mad anymore,
was just still thinkin about it.

k... have to do my commentary now.
boringboringboring...
sunday afternoons...

ugh.

rock-climin'

12.04am.
the day's already over.

and i still haven't finished my hw!!!
*freakz!*

got home around 8pm.
stupid retarded goddamn traffic jam
all over KL and the rothman's roundabout...

it wasn't so bad when there were still ppl on the bus,
at least there was some entertainment.
but i was stuck alone on the bus
for 45 minutes at rothman's...
ugh.

there's always this bunch who share
dirty secrets so loudly that every1 can overhear.
see, this is prolly what u get
in schools where final exams for P.E.
involve squeezing a condom onto a cucumber:

"oh no, jake was much bigger"

"i know right, u know when you're drunk
and all you can't think straight, u know?"

"i don't know why i said that!
i just told him ohmygodyoulooksogoodundressed"

"and like, he told me the night after:
'i cant believe i let a fat girl give me a blowjob' "

it's pretty incredible the things you overhear...
i mean, if andrew and ileana and sara
knew that i know that
rachel had sex with marcus
behind artu's back in sara's house......

but shh! u didn't hear it from me.

anyway.
stayed back in school to do a reading
with ms sahari and jun,
and also...
for rock-climbing!

apparently it's pronounced with a silent "b",
u guys.
so i went "climing" today, haha...
sounds so dank, clammy and gross.

i really really enjoyed myself tho :D
rock-climing rocks!!
there's this HUGE thrill
when u're actually up on the wall,
groping and reaching out
for that next hold.
each forward lunge meaning a possibility
of falling, every change of hold
meaning a loss of balance,
every movement
a careful deliberation...

it wasn't easy for me
cos i nvr work-out,
and have really lil upper-body strength.
every single time i had to change holds,
my arms felt like they were going to
pop out of their sockets
from lugging so much backside up the wall.

but u know...
in the end, falling pretty much becomes
the fun part :)

and u know wut?
when we finally get good at this,
we get to climb batu caves!
wheeeeeeeeeee...
can't wait can't wait can't wait.

it feels like scaling obstacles
the same way you try to get through life.
it feels damn good when u reach the top :)

will prolly nvr be as good as this guy,
but thankfully, spidergirls
aren't quite expected to bombast their skills so :P

can scale wall no. 5 in school
good enuff ledi la?

so onward, lumbering krys!
to infinity and beyond!

good feelings

why do so few ppl tag me?
*whine*
is it cos it says "porci" instead of "tag"?
i knew sophistication had to come at a price,
but c'mon guys!
wherefore art thou, faithful readers?
*snifflez*

cudnt sleep well at all last nite,
think my tummy was too full
after eating half a plate of TGIF's beef ribs.
and i think the thought of school
stressed the hell out of me too.
didnit finish o'leary's econ commentary,
didn't actually annotate the 2 novels properly...
and i only have 1 prep left, wtf!
*sniffle*

oh, and melanie left to beijing,
so there was that thought of being lonesome and all...

but the day didnt turn out so bad after all.
finally met ms sahari with jun
and looked for a duet acting script.
we both agreed that we don't do funny very well,
so we decided to go for drama.
found this beautifully written 1
about an english teacher and a rotten student.
lovely lovely script,
n perfect for our intentions :D
best thing is that we both feel an affinity
for different characters,
so there's no secretly vying to play
each other's roles...
which usually happens in my case :P
so, yay!
here's to a golden, budding partnership.

overall was pretty busy today,
so didn't feel the pinch of a crappy social life...
got to talk to natasha durin 2nd break,
and it was.. pretty cool really...
nvr thought we had much in common,
and was vaguely worried about
our sort-of friendship
post-melanie......

but today we both let down our guards
and shared some thoughts and personal stuff...
which, incredibly, we both feel exactly the same about.

i finally identify with you, natasha :)
you don't know how great it feels.
hearing the stuff you said today
helped me see that u're not quite
some weirdo chick anymore.
*hugz*

here's to a great year at ISKL,
2007.

post, damnu, post!

miyo's best pic durin our
entire 3D2N stay in singapore.

preview night

find the new blogger damn annoying.
have to sign in using google acc, wthell?
n still figurin out how to post pics,
now that hello doesn't work the same nemore.

preview night yday was ok,
i guess.

lights were pretty shit.
coupla times
they were on when they werent sposed to be,
n not on when they were sposed to be.

on the bright side,
the crowd laughed at all the right times la :)
and brian aka brana
brought the house down hehe.
his dancing was HILARIOUS...
for those of u hu miss this show,
u're nvr gonna ever see
this dude do nethin like that
ever again haha.

except maybe when he's drunk n high....

said a couple of my lines
while every1 was laughin
so no1 cud hear me,
n i looked like a bastardized version
of the corpse bride
*wince*

but overall,
miyo and dude liked it lots.
cud see them in the crowd;
they were hooked to every word
even tho they've already seen the movie hehe.

tonight shud be better,
now that we finally have 1
nearperfect full run.
just hopin for a good turnout :)

*reread n wail*
god, my writin stinks.

its not stage fright

for lack of a better word:
heeeeeeeeeeelp.