spurred to thought (by econ?)
ever since we moved into macroeconomics,
i just don't get econ anymore.
everything has faded from plain reason
to abstractions, and even the simplest concept
looks incredibly elusive to me.
then again, it's probably a lack of concentration;
haven't been in focus ever since 2nd sem started.
nothing seems to matter anymore,
everything seems so trivial...
it's back to the good old days
when homework wasn't important enough to finish
and paying attention in class
was too much to bother with.
haha, to think my tenacity lasted 4 months.
it's an astonishing record in the world of krys.
i guess it boiled down to
whether i want to be lil miss perfect,
or just... plain happy.
it's still a battle between the two.
the thought of architecture scares me sometimes.
it means nearly a decade away from Cow,
who's leaving for UK in september.
reason tells me it's foolish imagining
that we're perfect for each other
and we'll marry and have our three children..
but at times, i want it so much
it pulls my heartstrings to think
it might not happen.
architecture means 5 years in the US,
with perhaps a handful of years kickstarting a career...
by the time Cow finishes his degree
i'll still be plodding through my first
or second year in uni, and what then?
fate may pull us together again after 10 yrs,
but do i want to be without him for so long?
how much do i want a bright future,
in comparison to a loving one?
images of two old people living together
under the same roof keep floating into mind.
Cow would be wrinkled and wheezing
and wrapped up in scarves and sweaters
to keep the cold winter air out,
and i'll be berating him for not taking his
daily dosages of pills and syrups.
then i'll viciously shove spoonfuls
of medicine into his pouting mouth
and then step back to observe
his grumpy narrow eyes.
i know exactly what i'd do.
i'd scoop him up into my arms
and kiss him on the forehead,
tell him that he looks adorably grumpy
and that if he continues
he'll get a heartattack and then i'll
have to buy flowers and wine
to pour down his grace,
and it'd be a big waste of money
and i love him too much
to let that happen.
then how would our grandchildren do,
without a grandpa to tell them
stories of how his namesake came about,
and how grandma and he once
walked through the rain back to her house?
it is images like this,
that really make me pause and step back.
how much do i want this?
in comparison to a decade of jaw-setting,
teeth-gritting, tongue-biting education
away from the boy, still a boy, i love?
not going to edit this post.
forgive a sentimental fool
brought to rambles
by hapless econ papers.
have a good life, every1.
posted by Krys at
11:37 PM
